Things I Have Learned – Part 4

I am a quick study. Here are some more things I have learned.

1. Never inform the chef at a fancy restaurant that his escargot tastes like pizza. If you do, you will have committed an unforgivable gastronomical gaffe, and you will be exposed as the culinary ignoramus that you really are. Mon Dieu!

2. Never eat a big spaghetti dinner if there is even a remote, one-in-a-million chance that you might be coming down with a stomach virus. I will spare you the details.

3. Wooden spoon vs. moving blender blades. Blades win. Every time.

4. When a pair of jeans begins to feel a bit snug around the backside, whatever you do, don’t run out and buy the next size up. There is a fundamental principle of physics which states that the female body’s tendency to expand is directly proportionate to the limits, or non limits, placed upon it and that said body will continue to enlarge until an equal and opposite external force (i.e. tight pants) is applied. It’s like those goldfish that continue to grow larger and larger depending upon the size of their container. Think about it. Yeah. 

5. It’s not a good idea to share a job interview with someone else. Especially if that someone else is your sister. Especially if your sister and you have a tendency to succumb to fits of giggles at the most inopportune moments. Especially if your sister and you are capable of laughing so hard that one of you is in imminent danger of wetting her pants. Especially if what starts out as a mere case of common school-girl tittering takes on a life of its own and quickly evolves into an advanced display of unbridled hysteria punctuated by outbursts of uncontrollable snorting and hyena-like cackling until the only thing left for your sister and you to do is exit the room leaving the interviewer wondering why she even bothered to get up that particular morning.

6. Never iron a shirt while you are wearing it. Kind of speaks for itself, now, doesn’t it?

7. Always administer a thorough oral self-examination after consuming steamed spinach.

8. Avoid eating bean burritos immediately before a gymnastics class. And, after ingesting said burrito, never, ever, volunteer to demonstrate a complicated move on the uneven bars that requires a fair amount of abdominal muscle exertion. Like the saying goes, Pride cometh before public flatulence. Or something like that.

9. The I.R.S. means business. And I’m not talking the monkey kind. Those people have no sense of humor at all.

10. If you ever misread a recipe for blackberry pie and accidentally add a cup of salt instead of a cup of sugar, you should know that there is not enough extra sugar, or extra blackberries, or cinnamon, or cream of tartar, or styrofoam packing material, or any other substance known to man that will make things right again. You might as well pitch that polluted pile of potently pickled perniciousness posthaste . But never, under any circumstances, attempt to serve said pie to your high school home economics teacher hoping that she won’t notice the slightly salty aftertaste. On second thought, the look on her face just might make it worth your while.

And by the way, is there such thing as a high school home economics class these days? Or is my age showing? Sigh.

Walk A Mile In My Slippers

What a week.

The good news is that the week flew by. The bad news is that the week flew by. Easter is literally right around the corner. Spring is here and summer’s in sight. The problem is that sometimes life becomes so busy and rushed that I just can’t keep up. I misplace things. I don’t eat right. I don’t get enough sleep. I forget appointments. I wear my slipppers to work.

Monday morning I flew out of the house, in a hurry and running late. I was only five minutes behind schedule, but you’d be amazed what a difference five minutes can make when it comes to traffic patterns around here. Things were moving pretty well though, traffic was light, and I was making good time. Just as I was pulling into the driveway at school, I realized that I had accidently WORN MY SLIPPERS TO WORK! We are not talking about nice, cute, fuzzy slippers either. These are old, shabby (and I don’t mean shabby-chic), worn out, coffee stained slippers.

You know that feeling you get when you become aware that you’ve walked in front of a whole room full of people with a toilet paper tail sticking out of the seat of your pants, or maybe the humiliation you experience when you’ve accidently tucked part of your skirt inside your panty hose? Or, what about the horror of realizing that you’ve just spent five minutes chatting with a co-worker, all the while sporting a large piece of unidentified food particle lodged between your front teeth? Ever felt the panic that sets in on a hot summer’s day when it becomes apparent that you’ve forgotten to apply deodorant? And has anyone else experienced the inevitable feelings of shame and awkward discomfort that come after inadvertantly passing gas while riding in an elevator with only one other person? Feelings of mortification, distress and angst, anyone?

Yes, it was a toilet paper tail wagging, panty hose malfunctioning, dental UFO exposing , sweat inducing, noxious elevator riding, grungy old slipper flip flopping kind of Monday morning blues. And I was singing them loud and clear.

Fortunately, my stressful moments of realization were short lived when I remembered that I had left an old pair of tennis shoes at school to wear in case of an earthquake or some other emergency. Some other emergency like wearing my slippers to work. I still had to walk across the parking lot and from the parking lot to the library in my slippers, but I decided to hold my head high and pretend like nothing was amiss.

I wore my tennies the rest of the day. They did not exactly add anything to the professional-ness of my attire, and I’m not sure they were in any better shape than my old slippers, but the one last shred of dignity I held on to was at least my tennis shoes were coffee stain free.

You take what you can get sometimes.