Things I Have Learned – Part 4

I am a quick study. Here are some more things I have learned.

1. Never inform the chef at a fancy restaurant that his escargot tastes like pizza. If you do, you will have committed an unforgivable gastronomical gaffe, and you will be exposed as the culinary ignoramus that you really are. Mon Dieu!

2. Never eat a big spaghetti dinner if there is even a remote, one-in-a-million chance that you might be coming down with a stomach virus. I will spare you the details.

3. Wooden spoon vs. moving blender blades. Blades win. Every time.

4. When a pair of jeans begins to feel a bit snug around the backside, whatever you do, don’t run out and buy the next size up. There is a fundamental principle of physics which states that the female body’s tendency to expand is directly proportionate to the limits, or non limits, placed upon it and that said body will continue to enlarge until an equal and opposite external force (i.e. tight pants) is applied. It’s like those goldfish that continue to grow larger and larger depending upon the size of their container. Think about it. Yeah. 

5. It’s not a good idea to share a job interview with someone else. Especially if that someone else is your sister. Especially if your sister and you have a tendency to succumb to fits of giggles at the most inopportune moments. Especially if your sister and you are capable of laughing so hard that one of you is in imminent danger of wetting her pants. Especially if what starts out as a mere case of common school-girl tittering takes on a life of its own and quickly evolves into an advanced display of unbridled hysteria punctuated by outbursts of uncontrollable snorting and hyena-like cackling until the only thing left for your sister and you to do is exit the room leaving the interviewer wondering why she even bothered to get up that particular morning.

6. Never iron a shirt while you are wearing it. Kind of speaks for itself, now, doesn’t it?

7. Always administer a thorough oral self-examination after consuming steamed spinach.

8. Avoid eating bean burritos immediately before a gymnastics class. And, after ingesting said burrito, never, ever, volunteer to demonstrate a complicated move on the uneven bars that requires a fair amount of abdominal muscle exertion. Like the saying goes, Pride cometh before public flatulence. Or something like that.

9. The I.R.S. means business. And I’m not talking the monkey kind. Those people have no sense of humor at all.

10. If you ever misread a recipe for blackberry pie and accidentally add a cup of salt instead of a cup of sugar, you should know that there is not enough extra sugar, or extra blackberries, or cinnamon, or cream of tartar, or styrofoam packing material, or any other substance known to man that will make things right again. You might as well pitch that polluted pile of potently pickled perniciousness posthaste . But never, under any circumstances, attempt to serve said pie to your high school home economics teacher hoping that she won’t notice the slightly salty aftertaste. On second thought, the look on her face just might make it worth your while.

And by the way, is there such thing as a high school home economics class these days? Or is my age showing? Sigh.

Things I Have Learned – Part 3

Life is a learning experience. If you don’t believe me, check out the other posts in this category: Things I Have Learned and Things I Have Learned – Part 2. 

And now, even more THINGS I HAVE LEARNED:

• My husband is always right. Most of the time. 
• Never, ever, ever put a wool sweater in the dryer. Well, I guess it might work out ok if you happen to have an itty bitty baby sister. Otherwise, not so much.
• It’s better to wear a pair of comfortably sensible flats than to cram your feet into a pair of torturously tall high heels just to appear taller. (Now, mind you, this from someone who is just shy of five feet tall who knows what she is talking about.)
• Naps are good, unless…
• …Unless you fall asleep at the beach on an overcast day. Talk about your prematurely aging skin. Ouch! 
• Tomato juice does NOT remove the skunk smell from a dog. Neither does shampoo, laundry soap, perfume, baby powder, hydrogen peroxide or Listerine mouthwash. Lighter fluid and a match might have worked, but I came to my senses and decided not to try it. Lucky dog. Lucky, stinkin’ dog.
• No matter how much I wish it were so, I will never be mistaken for a beautiful movie star when I cry. Instead, when the tears begin to flow, I am destined to resemble a puffy, red, bloated, turtle-faced mess. Not a pretty sight. Enough to make a grown woman cry even harder.
• Take that extra few seconds to memorize your parking spot location when you visit Disneyland. It will save you hours of aimless wandering in a near empty parking lot after 12 long, mind-numbing hours of amusement park torment.
• Never attempt to cut up an orange with a sharp knife while you are holding said orange in one of your perfect, all in one piece-hands.
• There is never a good reason to wake a sleeping baby. Let sleeping babies lie, that’s what I always say.