Things I Have Learned – Part 4

I am a quick study. Here are some more things I have learned.

1. Never inform the chef at a fancy restaurant that his escargot tastes like pizza. If you do, you will have committed an unforgivable gastronomical gaffe, and you will be exposed as the culinary ignoramus that you really are. Mon Dieu!

2. Never eat a big spaghetti dinner if there is even a remote, one-in-a-million chance that you might be coming down with a stomach virus. I will spare you the details.

3. Wooden spoon vs. moving blender blades. Blades win. Every time.

4. When a pair of jeans begins to feel a bit snug around the backside, whatever you do, don’t run out and buy the next size up. There is a fundamental principle of physics which states that the female body’s tendency to expand is directly proportionate to the limits, or non limits, placed upon it and that said body will continue to enlarge until an equal and opposite external force (i.e. tight pants) is applied. It’s like those goldfish that continue to grow larger and larger depending upon the size of their container. Think about it. Yeah. 

5. It’s not a good idea to share a job interview with someone else. Especially if that someone else is your sister. Especially if your sister and you have a tendency to succumb to fits of giggles at the most inopportune moments. Especially if your sister and you are capable of laughing so hard that one of you is in imminent danger of wetting her pants. Especially if what starts out as a mere case of common school-girl tittering takes on a life of its own and quickly evolves into an advanced display of unbridled hysteria punctuated by outbursts of uncontrollable snorting and hyena-like cackling until the only thing left for your sister and you to do is exit the room leaving the interviewer wondering why she even bothered to get up that particular morning.

6. Never iron a shirt while you are wearing it. Kind of speaks for itself, now, doesn’t it?

7. Always administer a thorough oral self-examination after consuming steamed spinach.

8. Avoid eating bean burritos immediately before a gymnastics class. And, after ingesting said burrito, never, ever, volunteer to demonstrate a complicated move on the uneven bars that requires a fair amount of abdominal muscle exertion. Like the saying goes, Pride cometh before public flatulence. Or something like that.

9. The I.R.S. means business. And I’m not talking the monkey kind. Those people have no sense of humor at all.

10. If you ever misread a recipe for blackberry pie and accidentally add a cup of salt instead of a cup of sugar, you should know that there is not enough extra sugar, or extra blackberries, or cinnamon, or cream of tartar, or styrofoam packing material, or any other substance known to man that will make things right again. You might as well pitch that polluted pile of potently pickled perniciousness posthaste . But never, under any circumstances, attempt to serve said pie to your high school home economics teacher hoping that she won’t notice the slightly salty aftertaste. On second thought, the look on her face just might make it worth your while.

And by the way, is there such thing as a high school home economics class these days? Or is my age showing? Sigh.

Boomer Is Back!

Did you say, “Doggie Treat”?

This is our dog, Boomer. While we were away on vacation, Boomer stayed with my parents. Recently, they were kind enough to bring Boomer back to us. As it turns out, Boomer experienced his own little doggie vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. Sort of like an extended visit to Doggie Disneyland, I suppose.  In fact, I suspect that the harsh reality of life back here at home could come as a complete shock to his canine sensibilities. You see, a visit to Grandma and Grandpa’s house is like dying and going to doggie heaven. Here’s why:

According to Grandma, Boomer must be tired of that “old dry dog food”. So, during his time wtih her, she decided to completely switch him over to wet (canned) dog food. Now that he is home, I expect several days of persnickety food snobbery before Boomer finally resigns himself to that “old dry dog food” again. Sorry, Mighty Dog.

Grandma found it her duty to caninity (according to dictionary.com, that really is a word!) to offer Boomer mass quantities of doggie treats each and every day. She even planned ahead and purchased extra treats for Boomer’s homecoming. Said doggie biscuits are now sitting on a shelf in my laundry room. I suppose I’ll have to use them up. Feed them to him over time to help him slowly break the addiction. Sort of like a doggie treat detox program.

Grandpa took Boomer for a walk almost every day. That’s a tough act to follow. We take Boomer out when we can, but Grandpa is retired. He’s got plenty of time. Ok, Ok, we’ll make more of an effort. We could use the exercise, too.

Speaking of Grandpa, Boomer became extremely attached to him. He followed Grandpa from room to room inside the house and refused to leave his side while Grandpa worked in the yard. Poor Boomer whimpered and whined when Grandpa left the day after he brought Boomer back home. Don’t worry, Boomer. We’ll visit soon, I promise.

Grandma likes ice-cream. In summer, she is in the habit of sitting outside most evenings enjoying the cool breeze and indulging herself in frozen sweetness. Well, Boomer decided he wanted some of that frozen sweetness, too. Grandma obliged by allowing Boomer to snarf (hey! Dictionary.com says that’s a word, too!) down the last bite. The truth is, Grandma simply cannot say no to Boomer’s pleading. Her will-power all but vanishes in the face of Boomer’s manipulatory “Please feed me ice-cream, I’m starving” look. She is no match for His Highness, King Beggar Extraordinaire. It’s a miracle Boomer didn’t come back weighing a hundred pounds!

During his stay at The Pooch Paradise Inn, Grandma granted Boomer the privilege of sleeping on her bed. At home, there is a zero tolerance policy against dogs on beds. It is strictly forbidden and unequivocally enforced. Most of the time.

The couch is off limits at home, too. But, at Grandma and Grandpa’s house, not only was Boomer permitted to nap on the couch, he was granted full access to the remote control. Boomer watched Animal Planet twenty-four hours a day. Ok, so I’m exaggerating a bit. He was not really given remote control privileges. And, he didn’t really watch Animal Planet. Boomer prefers ”The Dog Whisperer” instead. 

At Grandma and Grandpa’s house there are squirrels to hunt. The next door Auntie has a cat to torment. And chickens. At home, there are only gophers to chase, but sadly, there’s only so far a dog can wriggle down a gopher hole. Not that Boomer doesn’t try, mind you.

At Grandma and Grandpa’s, table scraps are plentiful, handed out openly and without shame. At home, table scraps are a clandestine, under the tablecloth affair. Hey, my house, my rules! 

As an antidote to hot summer temperatures, Grandma periodically dumped ice cubes into Boomer’s water. Who would have guessed that Boomer prefers to imbibe his H20 at a cool and refreshing 38 degrees? Thankfully, she did stop short of buying him Perrier.

So, yes, Boomer is completely and thoroughly spoiled rotten. It’s Doggie Rehab for him, no doubt.

Ah, poor Boomer!

Don’t feel sad, Boomer. I know just the thing. A doggie treat! And guess what? I just happen to have some…