Ten Reasons Why I Hate the Mall

Yesterday, I shopped at our local mall. I lasted all of twenty minutes. I rarely venture out shopping, let alone tackle the mall. Here’s why.

1.   Aesthetics. Or lack of them. Doesn’t matter how you cut it, malls are ugly. Big and boxy. Angular. Antonymous to cozy. Oh, they try. Fountains here and there. Shiny window dressings. Slick advertising posters. Over the top architectural treatments. Guys playing grand pianos on level one.  But, a few well placed potted plants do not a pleasant ambiance make.

2.  Malls are crowded. Like sharks in a feeding tank kind of crowded. Way too many people with way too much spare time and way too much disposable income. In fact, I’ll believe we are really in a recession when the mall parking lot is empty. And that leads me to reason number three…

3.  Germs. Crowds of people translate to billions of germs. The place is crawling with them. How many given shoppers on any given day are coming down with colds or the flu? I admit, I am slightly germophopic. Maybe a lot germophobic. I hate using public restrooms. Especially at the mall. I avoid actually touching the toilet seat. I flush with my foot. I wash my hands with soap and water. Twice. I use my forearm to roll out the paper towel. I hold a piece of paper towel in my hand and use it to open the restroom door. Yes, I’m one of those.

4.  The mall is expensive. If you like throwing money around, shop the mall. If you like inflated prices and brand name brouhaha, frequent the mall. Cash, check, or credit card. It’s all good at the mall. Oh sure, there might be a few good deals to be found. But, does a $150.00 sweater marked down to $80.00 really qualify as a good deal? Oh, but it’s a designer sweater you say? Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? Would an off brand sweater at Target keep me just as warm? Probably.    

5.  The biggest problem with the mall is that going there almost always has something to do with shopping. I’m a bit of an anomaly, but retail therapy does nothing for me. Especially if it means a trip to the mall. You can read about one of my better shopping experiences by clicking here.

6.  It’s too easy to get lost in the mall. It doesn’t help that I have a terrible sense of direction. I mean, I could get lost on a one way street if it was the only street in town. They should hand out GPS devices at every entrance. But then again, I am even more technologically retarded than sense of direction deprived. Perhaps a big ball of string like a spelunker would use might come in handy, but I doubt it.

7.  After looking at the inserts that come with your morning newspaper, have you ever suddenly remembered all the things you had forgotten you just couldn’t live without? A trip to the mall does the same thing. Oh my gosh, I’d forgotten how much I needed a $15 tube of lipstick! Wow, my life will never be complete if I don’t buy that $80 purse. A healthy dose of consumer’s selective memory loss certainly couldn’t hurt here.   

8.  I am a very simple minded woman. I have trouble walking and chewing gum at the same time. Please don’t give me too many choices. The mall is Sensory Overload City and I’m a Small Town Girl. The mall is Disneyland, an out of control block party, and Vanity Fair (and I don’t mean the magazine, remember Pilgrim’s Progress?) all rolled into one.    

9.  Coupons are not accepted at the mall. Need I, Her Majesty the Coupon Queen, say more?

10. Mall noise. You heard me. But you wouldn’t have if we’d happened to be at the mall. So many of the stores play their music (and I use that term loosely) so loud that the shopper’s paradise they are attempting to create becomes nothing less than mind numbing noise pollution. Why do they do that? Did some retail psychology guru pronounce earsplitting rap music an opiate for the wallet wielding masses? Well, I beg to differ.

So, there you have it. However, I must admit that although I heartily dislike visiting the mall, there is one place that makes the mall seem as mild as an allergy sufferer’s antihistamine induced naptime. If there are ten reasons why I hate the mall, there are at least ten thousand reasons why I hate…WALMART. But, that’s another post for another time.    

What If?

What if the manufacturers of automobile GPS units used human voices rather than computer generated ones? What if those voices belonged to celebrities or other well-known people? What would they say? Here is my best guess hypothesis of how just such a scenario would play itself out.

Jeff Gordon: Speed up! Turn left! Speed up! Turn left! Speed up! Turn left!

Diana Ross: STOP! In the name of love.

Jimmy Carter: Negotiate a turn here.

Rush Limbaugh: Turn right and stay right.

Gandhi: Yield.

Hilliary Clinton: Step on it Buster! We’re taking some sniper fire!

Barack Obama: Change! Change! Change lanes!

John Denver: Country Road, takes you home.

Yoda: Turn here, you must.

Billy Graham: Turn or burn!

Kobe Bryant: Drive through the lane, and whatever you do, don’t travel.

C.I.A. Director, General Michael V. Hayden: I could tell you how to get there, but then I’d have to kill you.

George Bush Sr.: Read my lips, no new map’ses. (Ok, we’re stretching it a bit here, I admit.)

Wolfgang Puck: Watch for the fork in the road.

Barry Bonds: You’ll get there faster if you use performance enhancing gasoline.

Paul McCartney: Take the long and winding road that leads to your door.

Lassie: Ruff! Ruff road ahead!

Robert Frost: Take the road less travelled by, and that makes all the difference.

And finally,

Oprah Winfrey: All roads are equally valid. There’s no right or wrong way to arrive at your destination.

So, how about it friends, can you think of any more?